Dear Penthouse: Return of Kings Readers Discuss the Totally Real Sex They’ve Had with Totally Real Feminists

“And that’s when I hit it. Sexually. Of course.”

In my last post I discussed the newest piece of literary bilge to spew forth from Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings site. The article, written by someone named Michael Sebastian, supposedly acts as a guide for “converting” feminists into “traditional” women. By traditional women, I mean sperm receptacles, of course. The article itself was childish, crude, and hilariously bad, but the comments — as they so often are for nearly all websites — were far, far dumber.

If Roosh’s readers are to be believed, they regularly have sex with feminist women, whom they’ve seduced with their chauvinistic attitudes which, as we all know, the ladies adore. Yet for all their bluster, they come off as credible as Wendell the “sex addict” from the sketch comedy show Key & Peele. Here are a sample of the most cringeworthy responses.

How to “Enwetten” Your Woman

The top comment is from a bro with the name “Johnny Salami”, an oddly phallic name if ever there was. “Johnny” says that he’s slept with “a bunch” of feminists, that his misogyny turns them on, and that he’d regularly “bust their labes” (Author’s note: Ew!) about “getting in the kitchen and making me a sandwich.” Oh, and he introduces us to the word “enwetten”, which doesn’t appear in my dictionary but sounds like a perfectly cromulent word nonetheless:

I’ve found that women who self-identify as feminists are turned on by chauvanism IF THEY’RE ATTRACTED TO YOU.

I’ve fucked a bunch of “feminists.” I bust their labes about lady drivers, giving me lip, getting in the kitchen and making me a sandwich… they LOVE it. Women like being teased by a guy who enwettens them.

So that’s the trick. Enwetten them. All the rest is bullshit. If you’re not angling to fuck a feminist, there is no reason for you to be interacting with one.

Twenty of the website’s semi-literate troglodytes upvoted that one.

Chris Brown Beating Rihanna is Such a Turn On

“Ivan Herrera” has a similarly ridiculous tale about meeting a British girl with “feminist tendencies.” Some small talk about how pop star Rihanna probably deserved to get abused by then-boyfriend Chris Brown really set the mood:

I once picked up a British girl with feminist tendencies. As I walked her back to my place to bang it out she started talking about “I can’t believe anyone would endorse Chris Browns music after what he did to Rihanna!”
So I said “Maybe she was asking for it.”
Her eyes widened “You’re going to kill me aren’t you?”
I said “Maybe”.
She instantly collapsed into my arms and we had rough sex.

Oh, and the added death threat really sealed it.

“Alpha” Guys Make Women “Less Feminist”

Here’s “GB66” who says that being “strong, confident, decisive” and “Alpha” will make women “behave less feminist/bitchy.” I’m sure he totally knows from personal experience:

I’ve noticed two things over the years. Girls will definitely behave less feminist/bitchy if you are strong, confident, decisive….Alpha. Makes the relationship, however brief, much more enjoyable.

One man can’t convert a feminist. It takes a series of “finding Mr. Right” only to the dumped by the same. Be sure to let them know how inadequate the are upon leaving. A good phrase is “you want me to be your husband but have no desire to be my wife”.

Women with Multiple Sexual Partners are Like “Grease Rags”

Coming off like one of those old-school, fundamentalist abstinence-only teachers, “MCGOO” compares women who have sex with multiple partners to used-up grease rags:

It’s like when you buy a new pack of bath towels. They’re all clean and hang for guests in the lavatory. Then one day one of the towel set gets some black axle grease crap on it. After that point, that particular towel becomes a grease rag and hangs in the garage. No you don’t throw it away because it still has a purpose and limited use. It is from now on a grease rag. That once white towel NOW hangs out in the garage with the RED RAGS.

Used ho’s you do not marry. They go in the box of grease rags. They’re still good for something.

Now, you might be wondering what that makes people like “MCGOO” and the rest of the folks at RoK, seeing as how the website’s founder tries to seduce women for a living and encourages other men to do the same. Well, the short answer is, they’re sexist hypocrites. All of them.

A Scared Girl Inside Every Feminist

According to “Mistral”, every feminist woman is, deep down, “terrified of submission” even though “that’s what nature has prepared her for as a female”:

Inside every salvageable feminist is a scared, feminine girl who is terrified of submission. Even though that’s what she secretly wants. Even though that’s what nature has prepared her for as a female.

Feminine, attractive women are not built to be feminists–feminism is a trade union for fugly women. The few sexy women feminists have been brainwashed and it is our obligation as men to treat them as nature intended and teach them how to kneel.

À bientôt,

Mistral

*vomits*

The Woman “Instinctively Tit Feeds and Serves Man”

Here’s some more from our friend “MCGOO”:

Feminists are confrontational. Walk into a roomfull of them and it’s the same as if you run into a single feminist alone on the street or if you have to be around one in your own family. They are off the cuff disputive and they try to set the mood and disrupt the agenda wherever they find themselves. Most non feminists and men will write them off and try to get on with more productive things or getting on with things as planned BY BENDING towards them or giving in to them just enough to avoid confrontation and trouble.

By their nature as women they threaten trouble over everything and too many people become accustomed to acquiescing even a little. It becomes habit to acquiesce then and THIS IS HOW they get their foot in the door. By default you’re letting them incrementally TRAIN YOU how to act around them. MAN must be the trainer and teacher according to his wisdom and woman instinctively TIT FEEDS and serves man ultimately. If it isn’t a ‘whipped act’ that you have to put on to keep them from trashing the place, then it devolves into hamster game of tit for tat with respect to their limited imagination and ability. A game where no one wins but masculinity loses when you acquiesce. A ‘nice’ game once again of playing ‘best friends’ between parent and child orr . . WOMAN AND MAN.

We can never be their ‘best friends’ alone. We cannot ‘ape’ the woman. The place won’t burn. They just want you to think that. We must get back righteous control of our women, save our species. A tall order that is – BUT – the window is opening for it.

2028

This whole screed is moronic, but “tit feeds”? Seriously?

Not only am I unconvinced that these guys are half the sexual dynamo they claim to be, but I’m pretty sure none of them have even been around women in quite some time. Better luck next time, boys.

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