Return of Kings Columnist Offers a ‘Field Guide to Converting Feminists’

Maxim Cure a Feminist
Surprised the lazy hacks at Return of Kings didn’t use this actual photo from Maxim.

Another day, another awful clickbait article from Roosh Valizadeh’s Return of Kings website. The article, by Michael Sebastian, promises readers a method by which to “convert” feminist women into complete doormats — er, I mean “traditional” women.

Touting the success that was the “Battle of Montreal” — success, to RoK staff, means having your idol drenched in booze and chased from a bar — Sebastian says it’s time to “move on to the next step in our crusade to reclaim Western civilization—converting feminists into traditional women.”

How does Sebastian plan on accomplishing such a laughable feat? By exposing feminist women to a greater number of “alpha males”, of course. You see, although there are “many factors” in the rise of feminism, the factor that is most often overlooked is “the decrease in testosterone levels over the past twenty years.”

Testosterone levels, Sebastian writes, “are one of the things that make a man into more of an alpha male”, but declining testosterone levels have “deprived women from exposure to true alpha males and high testosterone beta males.” Look, he thinks he’s doing science, isn’t it adorable?

Sebastian goes on, claiming that women “become more feminine” for the purpose of “obtain[ing] an alpha male or high-ranking beta” with whom they “are naturally happy to become wives and mothers.” In the absence of such males, women “become prey to all sorts of depraved philosophies such as feminism, atheism, and collectivism”, he wrote, sounding more and more like a figurehead from the contemporary Christian Right.

Sebastian’s screed becomes even more hilariously unhinged when he reveals exactly what, in his mind, a feminist looks like — to borrow a popular t-shirt slogan. The features of a feminist, as it turns out, include “[u]nnaturally colored hair, asymmetrical haircuts, ironic glasses, ugly fashion, and even moderate weight gain.” The horror!

Even worse are the “[r]egrettable tattoos and piercings” that will “mark a reformed feminist for eternity” but which, nevertheless, do not “pose an insurmountable barrier to transitioning back to femininity.”

Oh, and he would be loath to omit the “adverse effects upon the feminist’s brain” including “strange obsessions and fantasies involving Roosh V.” Of course it always seems to be Roosh with the obsessive fantasies, seeing as though he regularly talks about which of his female critics he “would bang.”

In discussing how to “convert” a feminist, Sebastian stresses that he is “not referring to” having sex with them. Rather, he believes “alpha males” should just be physically present, dismiss all their arguments, and then presto! He will have awoken the “deep-seated desires within the heart of the feminist.” Sebastian calls this the “miracle” of “Feminist Conversion Therapy (FCT).”

I call it the Underpants Gnome Strategy, since it has a beginning and end, but lacks a crucial middle segment to connect the two. Phase One: An “alpha male” with high testosterone levels approaches a feminist and calls the wage gap horseshit. Phase Two: ??? Phase Three: Now she wants to be his “traditional” baby factory/servant girl. Hey Sebastian, what’s Phase Two again?

At any rate, this, he assures us, “is not a task for the faint of heart.” It entails “very real danger” such as “fake rape accusations and assaults by unhinged purple-haired harpies.” (Careful, ladies, you might make these alpha males cry!) “Worst of all,” he continues, “a man engaged in this work will have to look upon horrific things that no sentient being should be forced to witness.” I really wish folks could see me roll my eyes at that last line.

Now that the message of neomasculinity is finally getting out, even in the face of violent opposition, we can move on to the next step in our crusade to reclaim Western civilization—converting feminists into traditional women.

Progressives deny that a feminist can be converted into a traditional woman. They say that all feminists are “born that way.”

We here at ROK know that conventional opinion is wrong. Yes, Feminist Conversion Therapy is controversial, but the fact is that it works. There are dozens of former feminists who have gone on to lead productive lives as feminine wives and mothers, all through the miracle of Feminist Conversion Therapy (FCT).

Our wish is that more blue-haired feminists experience the life enhancing benefits of FCT so we are making this field guide available to all men who may be interested in this great work.

There are many factors that have brought about the rise in feminism: easy birth control in the form of the pill, progressive indoctrination in the schools, and propaganda from leftist political parties. But one factor is commonly overlooked: the decrease in testosterone levels over the past twenty years.

. . .

But high testosterone levels are one of the things that make a man into more of an alpha male. The declining testosterone levels have deprived women from exposure to true alpha males and high testosterone beta males.

Women become more feminine in order to obtain an alpha male or a high-ranking beta. With high testosterone males, women are naturally happy to become wives and mothers. In the absence of alpha males, women seek self-actualization in other ways. They become prey to all sorts of depraved philosophies such as feminism, atheism, and collectivism.

The problem with feminism is that although it promises to make women happy, it is ultimately unfulfilling. This leads feminists into a spiral, always on the lookout for the next thing to feed their ever-growing rage.

. . .

Now that men are starting to gain an understanding of their true roles, we can begin reclaiming women who have been suckered into believing vain ideologies.

While feminist conversion can be effective, the disease of feminism is so toxic that after a certain point the host body becomes unsalvageable.

Many of the deleterious effects of feminism can be reversed. Unnaturally colored hair, asymmetrical haircuts, ironic glasses, ugly fashion, and even moderate weight gain can be treated by a make over, a Paleolithic diet, and regular time at the gym.

Other feminist-inflicted damage is more permanent. Regrettable tattoos and piercings will mark a reformed feminist for eternity, yet they don’t pose an insurmountable barrier to transitioning back to femininity.

However, any significant time spent living the feminist lifestyle can result in irreversible changes to the feminist’s body and brain, rendering her unable to transition back to normalcy.

The first of these changes is excessive weight gain. While some feminists are able to retain a human-like form after adopting the lifestyle, others are drawn to consume copious amounts of food until they have a gravitational pull that rivals that of a small planet. For these feminists, the hope of transition is vanishingly small.

The bodily changes brought on by feminism pale in comparison to the adverse effects upon the feminist’s brain. These changes may induce the feminist to experience strange obsessions and fantasies involving Roosh V.

. . .

In case any feminists are reading this, I am not referring to sex with feminists. Converting a feminist also does not involve much argument. It is the mere presence of the alpha that awakens deep-seated desires within the heart of the feminist. If the feminist senses that she has any hope of winning over the alpha, she will adjust her behavior. Any feminist beliefs that she strongly holds will melt away when the possibility of bliss with a normal man is presented.

Any arguments that the feminist raises should be nonchalantly swatted down by the alpha. All objections should be dismissed brusquely. The alpha should not be concerned with hurting the feminist’s feelings—she wants the alpha to destroy the feminist façade that keeps her from being a complete woman.

. . .

Converting feminists is not a task for the faint of heart. It involves very real danger, including fake rape accusations and assaults by unhinged purple-haired harpies. Worst of all, a man engaged in this work will have to look upon horrific things that no sentient being should be forced to witness.

. . .

By snatching women from the fires of feminism we are doing a good work, not just for the women involved, but also for Western civilization. The antifeminist warrior is able to fall asleep easily knowing that he has made the world a better place.