The 2014 “Dirty Dozen” Awards

As we transition from 2014 to 2015, let us not forget that the previous year was, in many respects, spectacularly awful. Time Magazine mulled over banning the word “feminist”; the Supreme Court dealt reproductive and workers’ rights a major setback; some incel misogynist named Elliot Rodger murdered several innocent people because he couldn’t get laid; and Nigerian terrorists kidnapped and forcibly married some 200 young girls for the “crime” of trying to learn. Yet some people were more awful than others, and I feel that these people should be recognized for their efforts to erode gender equality and LGBTQ rights. So, without further adieu, I present Hail to the Gynocracy’s first annual “Dirty Dozen” list of the past year’s worst offenders. Enjoy!

12. Eminem
Charges:
The worst thing to ever blight the city of Detroit outside of a men’s rights confab, Eminem began his odious musical career in the ‘90s with gruesome songs promoting gay-bashing and fantasizing about the murder of his ex-wife. In the years since, the real Slim Shady’s formula hasn’t changed a bit, rapping in his 2013 song “Rap God” that he wants to break a “table over the back of a couple faggots and crack it in half.” This year he continued his trend of cashing in on violence against women with lyrics intimating that he would like to assault singer Lana Del Rey and rape Australian rapper Iggy Azalea. Inculcates young boys with the toxic idea that domestic abuse should be tolerated, and then hides behind the worn out “I’m not supposed to be a role model” shtick.
Aggravating Factor:
“I think it’s hard for some people to understand that for me the word ‘faggot’ has nothing to do with sexual preference.”
Sentence:
Tasked with cleaning up litter following the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival.

11. Peter LaBarbera
Charges:
The founder and president of the hate group Americans for Truth About Homosexuality (“AFTAH”), Peter LaBarbera has devoted the entirety of his career to smearing LGBT people as sexually deviant Untermenschen. A man who is so thoroughly disgusted by gay sex that he constantly writes about the supposed evils of “male-to-male anal sodomy” and decorates his ridiculous website with photos of leather pride events. In 2013 LaBarbera traveled to notoriously homophobic Jamaica in order to lobby against the repeal of the nation’s colonial-era “buggery law,” but received a far chillier reception last year when he took his foolish antics to Canada and ended up getting arrested on mischief charges. So deep in the closet he’s practically in Narnia.
Aggravating Factor:
“Homosexual activists stole [the word ‘gay’] just like they stole the rainbow. Now, I don’t believe we should let these words go, but it looks like ‘gay’ is too far gone. We’re not going to let the rainbow be used solely as a homosexual symbol, so we’re going to fight that. But the fact is, homosexual activists are constantly stealing good things and adapting them to suit their sexual perversion.”
Sentence:
Caught in the act with Dan Savage.

10. Daryush Valizadeh (a.k.a. Roosh V)
Charges:
When it comes to pickup artistry – the repugnant practice of teaching men how to manipulate women for sex – it’s difficult outsleaze the likes of strangulation enthusiast Julien Blanc, but if anyone can pull it off, it would be Roosh V. This creep not only believes that the use of date rape drugs is a “myth” and that women are “lubricated holes that exist mostly for a man’s sexual pleasure,” but he also had the nerve to pin the blame for Elliot Rodger’s anti-woman murder spree on feminism. Uses his online flagship Return of Kings to troll people with revolting articles like “24 Signs She’s a Slut” and “5 Reasons to Date a Girl with an Eating Disorder.” And all of this from a master “seducer” who has the sex appeal of Charles Manson.
Aggravating Factor:
From his book Bang Iceland:

“While walking to my place, I realized how drunk she was. In America, having sex with her would have been rape, since she couldn’t legally give her consent. It didn’t help matters that I was relatively sober, but I can’t say I cared or even hesitated.

I won’t rationalize my actions, but having sex is what I do. If a girl is willing to walk home with me, she’s going to get the dick no matter how much she has drunk. I’ll protect myself by using a condom (most of the time), but I know that when it comes to sex, one ounce of hesitation or a feeling of morality will get me nothing.”
Sentence:
Ass kicked by Kathleen Hanna.

9. George F. Will
Charges:
There was once a time when George Will was seen as a force to be reckoned with — a Pulitzer Prize-winning intellectual powerhouse respected by liberals and conservatives alike. That was decades ago, and the bespectacled columnist has long since degenerated to the level of a typical right-wing crank, spewing out dreck about how climate change is a hoax and President Obama was reelected due to “white guilt.” A full-fledged campus rape truther, Will finally jumped the shark last June when he wrote a grotesque WaPo column asserting that college sexual assault victims come forward because “victimhood” has become “a coveted status that confers privileges.” Fortunately, this bit of chauvinist nonsense — as well as Will’s stubborn refusal to back down — proved to be more than most folks could stomach, resulting in cancelled speaking engagements and major newspapers dropping his column like a hot potato.
Aggravating Factor:
“Today, for some reason, indignation is the default position of certain people. I think it has something to do with the Internet.”
Sentence:
The “coveted status” of an Ebola victim.

8. #Gamergaters
Charges:
A reactionary online collective which launched a vicious anti-woman terror campaign in the name of “ethics in games journalism.” Beginning as an online smear campaign by trolls against indie gaming designer Zoe Quinn (whom they falsely accused of exchanging sex for positive reviews), #Gamergate quickly mutated into a movement aimed at keeping gaming culture a homogeneous, estrogen-free zone by any means necessary, including rape and death threats, harassment, and the doxing of female detractors such as Brianna Wu and Anita Sarkeesian. Embodying every negative stereotype of geeks being basement dwelling, gynophobic creeps with no social skills, the self-entitled manbabies of #Gamergate are to the gaming community what ISIS is to Islam.
Aggravating Factor:
Because of the dearth of real women who actually supported #Gamergate, members were forced to create a cartoon mascot named Vivian James in order to dispel charges of misogyny. Nice try, dicks.
Sentence:
Lifetime Internet ban.

7. Gordon Klingenschmitt
Charges:
There’s no denying that the 2014 midterm elections were a bloodbath for Democrats, and a massive victory for a Republican Party that continues to lurch toward the far-right. Yet of all the fringe GOP candidates to win their race this year, no one can out-crazy professional homophobe Gordon Klingenschmitt. Klingenschmitt is both the head of the Pray in Jesus Name Project – an anti-gay ministry listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center – and a disgraced ex-Navy chaplain who became nationally famous for performing an exorcism of President Obama live on his TV show. An utterly deranged hatemonger whose blatant falsehoods include the claims that Obamacare “causes cancer,” that gay activists “want to force Christians to participate in their sodomy,” that the Employment Non-Discrimination Act promotes bestiality, and that Madonna was trying to have sex with him through her song “Revolver.” One can only imagine how batshit he’ll be with actual political power. Way to go, Colorado.
Aggravating Factor:
His nickname is “Dr. Chaps.” For real.
Sentence:
Banished to Hell for wearing polyester clothing.

6. Roger Goodell
Charges:
The buffoonish Commissioner of the NFL, Roger Goodell’s top priority is to minimize bad publicity for his legion of overpaid, brain damaged jocks. When video footage surfaced of Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Rice dragging his limp, unconscious fiancée out of a casino elevator, Goodell suspended him for a paltry two games. In April, when Goodell and other League execs were sent a copy of the full video of Rice’s assault, Goodell reacted by sitting on it for months, lying about having seen it when it was released by TMZ, and ratcheting up Rice’s punishment to an indefinite suspension in an effort to mollify his critics. Yet Goodell’s anemic response to domestic violence and child abuse isn’t even the most surprising aspect to this scandal. Far more shocking is that people are still shocked by the actions of Goodell and the NFL. After all, what else were we supposed to expect from a man responsible for one of the most brutally misogynistic sports in existence, where male violence is applauded and scantily-clad women jiggle on the sidelines for onlookers’ gratification?
Aggravating Factor:
“The same mistakes can never be repeated. We will get our house in order first. We will do more.”
Sentence:
Pants spontaneously catch fire as he dodges questions during his next press conference.

5. Paul Elam
Charges:
In compiling a list of last year’s most awful misogynists, we would be loath to exclude the Mullah of the Manosphere himself, Paul Elam. From his designation of October – a month synonymous with domestic violence awareness – as “Bash a Violent Bitch Month,” to a bogus online “offender’s registry” designed to help men harass women, to his declaration that intoxicated women are “freaking begging” to be raped, Elam has always been a font of woman-bashing lunacy. As the wild-eyed founder of the putrid “men’s rights” website A Voice for Men, Elam displays a stunning level of cognitive dissonance, having displayed Thomas Ball’s terrorist manifesto in his site’s “Activism” section and given a platform to high-profile white supremacists, all while portraying himself as a champion of human rights. Yet 2014 was really Paul Elam’s year to shine, as he both held his organization’s “First International Conference on Men’s Issues” – where he preached against the evils of feminism before his fedora-bedecked audience – and created a phony website designed to co-opt the White Ribbon Campaign, a respected international anti-violence organization, all in the name of attention whoring/lining his own pockets.
Aggravating Factor:
Once wrote an article advocating jury nullification in rape cases, declaring that, “Should I be called to sit on a jury for a rape trial, I vow publicly to vote not guilty, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that the charges are true.”
Sentence:
Walk a mile in her Lotus shoes.

4. David Green
Charges:
An arts and crafts tycoon whose legal victory in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby enabled him not only to redefine religious liberty as the right to stomp out the reproductive freedom of his female employees, but also set dangerous legal precedent whereby corporations are absurdly vested with religious freedom. Objected to providing insurance plans which cover emergency contraception (e.g. Plan B, Ella, and intrauterine devices), which he erroneously believes to be abortifacients, but isn’t above investing in the manufacturers of those very products or doing business with one-child China. But don’t worry if you’re a dude — Hobby Lobby will help foot the bill for your vasectomy and all the Viagra you’ll ever need.
Aggravating Factor:
“It’s amazing how God has blessed us beyond our comprehension.”
Sentence:
Physically forced through the eye of a needle in order to enter Heaven.

3. Alan Sears
Charges:
A Christian fascist who began his career as a federal prosecutor in Ronald Reagan’s Justice Department, where he played a critical role in Edwin Meese’s puritanical crusade against pr0n. In 1994, Sears founded the Alliance Defense Fund (now known as Alliance Defending Freedom), a conservative knock-off of the ACLU whose stated goal is “defending the right to hear and speak the Truth through strategy, training, funding, and litigation.” By this, Sears means raking in millions of dollars with which to fight reproductive rights, marriage equality, and proper sex education in public schools. After its botched defense of Prop 8 — California’s unconstitutional ban on same-sex marriage — Sears’ organization moved on to bigger and brighter things. Like crafting a slew of extreme “religious freedom” bills such as Arizona’s ill-fated HB 1062 –which would have allowed businesses to practice Jim Crow-style discrimination against LGBT customers and employees — and working to criminalize gay sex in Belize.
Aggravating Factor:
In its desperate quest to find bona fide instances of anti-Christian persecution, the ADF hyped a story of two pastors in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, who “already face jail and fines for declining to perform a same-sex wedding ceremony.” The entire story was actually a gigantic lie. Not only had the city of Coeur d’Alene not received a complaint from a gay or lesbian couple about the pastors’ chapel, but city officials had never threatened legal action and actually argued that the chapel would fall outside the boundaries of the city’s nondiscrimination ordinance. Whoops.
Sentence:
Sent to the Middle East to defend Christians from actual religious persecution.

2. Scott Lively
Charges:
A sociopathic pastor who, in 1995, authored The Pink Swastika, a modern day Protocols of the Elders of Zion which accused gay men of having orchestrated the Holocaust. Pastor Lively espouses a perverse strain of fundamentalist Christianity in which spreading the gospel means traveling to European and African nations to export homophobia. From 2006 to 2007 Lively traveled across Latvia and Russia, denouncing the “homosexual agenda” and advocating the criminalization of LGBT advocacy – in 2013 he took credit for the passage of Russia’s draconian ban on “gay propaganda,” calling it “one of the proudest achievements of my career.” Still, you might be more familiar with Lively’s handiwork in the form of Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Act of 2014. Once referred to as the “Kill the Gays” Bill for its death penalty provision, Lively inspired this abominable legislation during a 2009 speech before Ugandan lawmakers, where he demonized gays and lesbians as serial murderers, Nazis, and rapists who prey on young children. And his failed bid for governor of Massachusetts was especially odd considering he believes we are living in the “end times” and that our socialist president is probably the Anti-Christ.
Aggravating Factor:
“These revolutionists of Sodom, who march triumphantly through all the major cities of the western world to flaunt their defeat of moral law, and who hold both Hollywood and the heart of America’s president in their iron grip: These very same zealots have fixed their malevolent gaze on Christian Uganda.”
Sentence:
Accidentally left behind during the Great Tribulation.

1. Chief Justice John Roberts, et al.
Charges:
Issuing the least defensible opinions since the late 19th century. The ideologically conservative (and devoutly Catholic) wing of the Supreme Court — a dubious honor held by Justices Roberts, Alito, Kennedy, Thomas and Scalia — appear hellbent on crushing protections for women and people of color, while simultaneously bestowing vast civil rights protections upon the gargantuan corporations seeking to buy our democracy outright. In 2013 the five Justices saw fit to both kneecap the Voting Rights Act of 1965 and make it even more difficult for employees to sue businesses on the grounds of employment discrimination or retaliation. In an equally disastrous 2014 term, they went even further, standing up for the right of “corporate persons” to flood our elections with dark money and striking down buffer zones around abortion clinics — even cowing the more liberal Justices into a dubious 9-0 opinion in the process. But the pièce de résistance on this shit sundae was their atrocious decision in Burwell v. Hobby Lobby, in which they declared that closely held businesses — which employ millions of Americans and reap untold profits each year — may simply opt out of laws which offend their newfound religious liberties.
Aggravating Factor:
Just as Justice Ginsburg predicted in her epic dissenting opinion, the Court’s majority decision in Hobby Lobby is wreaking untold havoc upon American jurisprudence; so far it has already prompted religious leaders and business owners to demand exemptions from an executive order protecting LGBT workers and even having to show up to courtJust wait till they tackle pregnancy discrimination next term.
Sentence:
Impeached, removed from office, and forced to take the “Long Walk” through a hellish wasteland populated by gun-toting mutants.

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